Kitty's Obit

On July 15, 2014 Kitty’s life ended in bed, one of her favorite places. Born sometime in the 1990’s (she would not say exactly) in Hartford CT Kitty lived under the name Tainia for several years until re-locating to Massachusetts. There she lived in Newton. She refused to re-locate from her garden apartment in Waban to Omaha so she stayed behind where she followed her interests in bird watching and chipmunk worrying. It was during this time she went back to using her maiden name Kitty. Several years later she agreed to re-locate this time to Los Angeles. Her trip to California was very pleasant as she had her own seat in the first class. When in California she first lived in Hancock Park where she enjoyed views of palm trees once even having a near death experience when she tried to jump into one. She then moved again to the Hollywood Hills where she lived in her first free standing house with a patio for her explore (tentatively at first) and conquer. It was here she took up an interest in lizards and catnip farming.  Needing easier access to supermarkets carrying her favorite Friskies pate Kitty moved a final time to her penthouse in Hollywood where she enjoyed her stair case and wheat grass cultivation.  She leaves behind her two stupid dogs Leslie and Mildred Fillmore and the two guys that would open her food cans for her.

Ugly Paramedics

“Oh My God!”  She could barely talk but was able to shout it out.  “What? What?” Everyone asked. “I swallowed my lipstick!” she shrieked, “It was an accident!”  Paramedics were called but dismissed because they were ugly.  Someone produced a piping hot chocolate crepe and that seemed to cure her.  She went out later for a small drink. The bartender upon hearing her story gave her drinks gratis!

A Calendar

Thursday was the day washed her lingerie. The teenage boys all swooned and the teenage girls all took notes.  She sometimes smoked cigars during the rinse cycle; this always got the crowds off.  Friday was the day teased all her wigs and wiglets.  The boys never came over on that day only the girls. Later she gave lectures on the use of foundation base and lip liner. Saturday she baked all day and nobody was allowed to come over. If the dared she would hiss at them like a snake through the mail slot. Sunday was the day she would tear a page from the bible read it aloud laugh hysterically then set it a flame. Monday she did nothing. She refused to get out of bed and wore no makeup. She would eat no food and only drink water. Tuesday was the day of the week she ate unless she was having her period.  Wednesday was the day she painted her nails and paid bills while cursing.  She took the entire month of July off.

A Bad Morning

“Seize Them!” she screamed dropping a human skull from her lap as she stood. “No, no, no a thousand times No!” She cried and clutched her jeweled throat with a gem encrusted claw of a hand. “What treachery!” she moaned letting the crown slip from her head to the floor. The end. PS: She took two Pamperin brand pain killers and felt ever so much better.

Story of a Girl

Once upon a time in an enchanted suburb of the mythical city of Chicago there lived a little girl. She dreamed in her Holly Hobby canopy bed cuddling her Mrs. Beasley doll. She dreamed of marrying a king. Not just any king but “the” king Elvis. Against her mother’s wishes she learned all the things she would need to know. She practiced teasing her hair, shopping for Cadillacs and applying metallic blue eye shadow.  Then one day sometime in the 1970’s and she had just come to marrying age (14) the National Enquirer announced the tragic and untimely death of Elvis! The little girl was devastated. She did not know what to do. Then it dawned on her, she withdrew all the money she had put into her special “Face lift at 40” account. She got a big hair do five pounds of diet pills and a one way ticket to the west.  Well this was the beginning of the end. The next thing she knew she was bar-tending in San Francisco and asking gay men from the northeast to do the two step with her.  She didn’t have a dime put away for her face lift! She was doomed.